


Watching You Drown

by manonlemelon



Series: If I Let You Go [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unhappy Ending, mention of suicide attempt (not thiam)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-17 21:18:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14839340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manonlemelon/pseuds/manonlemelon
Summary: This relates the events of Feels Like I'm Drowning but from Theo's perspective. Can be read on its own.Theo witnesses Liam struggling with their growing friendship and wonders what he should do about it.





	Watching You Drown

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song [Breaking Me Down from Escape The Fate ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51Ksj_BKDDY)  
> This is part of the 2018 Thiam week for the quotes and lyrics day.  
> Thanks to Sab for looking after my grammar you're the best!

Ever since the elevator, Theo knew his connection to Liam was much more than it appeared to be. It wasn’t just Theo feeling like he had to protect and save Liam because he was the one who saved him from the ground, from his sister’s claws. It was much more than that. A feeling of deep protectiveness and the knowledge he would do anything to keep the beta safe. No matter what it would take, even going back down to the ground if he had to. He had never felt that way about anyone before.

Which wasn’t really that surprising considering his past. As a kid, before he had been taken by the dread doctors he had been too young to have those kinds of feelings. And as he grew older, he was taught that caring was a weakness, feelings were a waste of time. The only thing he had been interested in was power. But then the ground happened, Tara ripping his heart out over and over again reminding him what it was like to feel. To hurt. The guilt over her death. And one day his eternal torment finally ended. Saved by the blue-eyed beta, the first person he saw, really saw with a heart capable of letting himself feel. His savior. From that moment on they were bounded.

Liam was like a light in the middle of the night, a sun shining so bright it could illuminate everything around him with its power. His Sunshine. He remembered the first time he called Liam Sunshine, he was never supposed to, it was one of those nicknames you have for people in your brain but weren’t meant to be said out loud. But he slipped up, too engrossed in their discussion to prevent his mouth to form the words that were floating in his brain. The moment the word slipped out of his mouth he had cursed himself until he heard Liam’s heart skip and saw the look on his face. In that moment he knew the beta cared much more than he should, and Theo would always call him Sunshine. It was his. No one else would ever be called like that by him. Liam would forever be the only one deserving of that name.

Theo wasn’t fooling himself. Just because he had the ability to care now, to feel again didn’t mean he wouldn’t pretend he didn’t, didn’t mean it came easy for him. His first instinct was still to run away from those feelings. And it didn’t mean he was a changed man. He was still Theo He was still going to save himself first. Okay he was still going to save Liam and himself first. His first instinct would always be to kill the threat, it had been his life, how he was raised since he was 8 years old and it had worked. You couldn’t just erase this with feelings. If he was being honest, he tended to want to kill whatever menaced Liam even more than before. Apparently having something to protect wasn’t very good for his murdering tendencies. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to make sure his Sunshine was safe. He didn’t feel bad about killing bad guys, why would he when they deserved to die, and since they tried to kill them first it’s self-defense.

But he knew this kind of thinking wasn’t good enough for Liam, for the rest of the pack. They wanted him to try harder, to become something he wasn’t, to be as good as they were. As if he was still the kid Scott and Stiles used to know, as if he hadn’t experienced a traumatic childhood and hadn’t been raised by monsters. Maybe this couldn’t excuse everything, after all he did have a normal life before that, well as normal as a life could be when parents weren’t taking care of their children. But it didn’t mean it wasn’t true. They wanted him to feel bad about ripping those hunters apart, but he couldn’t, not when they tried to kill the one person he cared about most. The one person he would face his demons for. His Sunshine.

Even before that night, Theo knew Liam had been struggling with his feelings. It was obvious in the way he wouldn’t talk about them, wouldn’t let anyone know about them. It made sense considering they were about Theo. The murderous chimera.

Theo noticed the small things, like how Liam didn’t protest as vehemently as before when he was suggesting killing the problem they were facing. How he didn’t protest anymore when Theo did something not entirely legal. Sometimes the beta even was the one suggesting it. Nothing too bad but enough to make Theo wonder if he was influencing Liam, guiding him away from the straightly good path he was on. The one Scott put him on. The one where you play by the rules and try to save everyone. But Scott was gone, and so was most of the pack. With only Liam Corey and Mason left behind they couldn’t afford to play by those rules anymore. Well they tried to, but Theo wasn’t foolish enough to let them. Even when they didn’t agree he would go and solve the problem on his own no matter how badly he would get hurt. At least that way his Sunshine would stay safe.

He knew Liam didn’t like it, he could smell the disappointment emanating from the beta whenever Theo didn’t go by the righteous choice. And the chimera knew it’s because of him, because of all that time they spent together, and he was starting to influence Liam even if he didn’t want to. All those times they had talked in the middle of the night, naked, exhausted and in bed, every night Theo had shown Liam the world wasn’t as black and white as he had thought. Theo knew he was to blame for Liam’s change of character, and the blue-eyed boy knew it too. There was no lying to themselves about that. The chimera didn’t like it, he wished he could just find a way to stop influencing the beta in that way but the only thing he could come up with was leaving and that… That was one thing he couldn’t do. He wished he was strong enough, brave enough, selfless enough to be able to walk away and let the beta live his life. But he was Theo Raeken, he was selfish and truly didn’t want to let Liam go. That’s why he kept climbing through the window, night after night, getting lost in his Sunshine.

Maybe his selfishness wasn’t entirely the only reason he couldn’t give up on Liam. Maybe, no matter how hard it was to watch Liam struggle with his feelings, he couldn’t let go because he wasn’t strong enough. Maybe he knew he would just crumble if he didn’t have his Sunshine. He needed his light to help him out of the darkness that was his mind, and the beta had been so good to Theo those last few months, it had been the happiest Theo ever was. He had someone who cared about him, much more than he could have ever imagined and hoped for. That meant the world to him.

Leaving Beacon Hills would mean breaking his own heart, meant walking away from the only person he had ever been in love with. The only person he had loved in years. It meant losing his Sunshine, and he was still only somewhat human after all and humans needed to see the sun to survive, to feel its warmth on their skin, to see it illuminating the world. He wondered if getting your heart metaphorically ripped out of your chest would be as painful as it was physically. He desperately hoped he would never have to find out, despite it being the right thing to do.

One night was all it took for everything to change, one fateful moment and Theo’s shot at happiness was gone. All it took was claws buried in a throat, a dead body and eyes glowing electric blue. Theo had lost the most precious thing to him in a few seconds even if he didn’t realize it right away. It all had happened so fast, one minute they were talking, stargazing, it was almost romantic, almost date like. The next Matt showed up, his past finally catching up to him, Theo was pinned to the floor and about to die with Matt asking him if he remembered him, saying that he was doing this for his family and stealing his life before starting to lower his claws, about to slice Theo’s throat in a second. His only thought was that he never told his Sunshine how much he loved him, how much he meant to him. And the moment after that… A dead body was lying on the top of him, he could feel the blood seeping from it and into his clothes, and behind him, Liam was standing up, eyes glowing blue, shock in his face, clearly trying to process and comprehend what had just happened. What he just did.

Theo couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Liam had killed someone to save him. In that moment he had fallen in love with the beta all over again, how fucked up was that? He didn’t know what was more prominent, the amazement that the beta cared that much about him, that he was willing to kill to keep him alive. Or the disbelief that he would go to such length, that Liam actually killed someone, a member of the McCall pack murdered another being to save him, Theo Raeken, the evil chimera. The pain over Liam having killed someone had been unbearable. His beautiful Sunshine would experience the guilt, distress and struggle that would come with realizing and accepting what he did, the changed color of his eyes and Theo hurt for Liam, his heart was breaking over his Sunshine’s pain. And finally, the guilt.

Before they got close the beta would have never killed anyone, not like this, not unless it had been an accident while being under attack and losing control. This was on him, his influence, the result of whatever their relationship was. If Theo hadn’t been so selfish and pursued Liam because he just couldn’t simply stay away, the beta would have never started to care for him, would have never taken the life of an innocent to save him. He tainted his Sunshine and would have to live with this for the rest of his life. But right now, wasn’t the time to wallow in his own self-pity. Right now, Liam needed him, more than ever.

He needed to take care of his Sunshine, telling him it was an accident and it hadn’t been his fault, that everything would be okay. He needed to get him home, to get him clean and to make him sleep so that he could make the body disappear. If one thing was for sure it was that he wouldn’t allow Liam to get in trouble for this. Theo had spent the drive back to Liam’s talking to him, trying to reassure him. But he wasn’t even sure the beta was hearing him. He was in shock trembling and staring at his hands.

Once they finally reached Liam’s house, Theo made sure they wouldn’t run into the boy’s parents while they reached the beta’s bedroom and the attached bathroom. Theo helped him out of his clothes and climbed in the shower with him, cleaning him, scrubbing the blood away until Liam’s skin was red but no longer from the blood. He then washed the beta’s hair, massaging his scalps, hoping that the soft touches would help him calm down and bring him back. Once they were finally out of the shower, Theo helped Liam into clean comfy clothes and guided him to bed, laying down with him, holding him until the exhaustion of what happened finally took over and the beta fell asleep. Theo then slowly let go of the younger boy, making sure he wouldn’t wake up before slipping out of the window, climbing in his truck and driving back to where everything had changed.

That night, after taking care of the body he almost left. He went as far as the “You are now leaving Beacon Hills” sign. But he turned around, he realized he couldn’t leave Liam, not now, not like this. Not after what the beta had just done for him. Theo needed to be there for him, help him through the guilt, make him believe it was okay, that everything will be alright. Using his influence over the younger boy for good intentions for once and making him see he wasn’t the one to blame.

The moment Theo slipped back into Liam’s room was the moment the beta woke up. Theo kicked his shoes off before immediately cradling the boy he loved in his arms hugging him and talking to him. He spent the rest of the night with his Sunshine in his arms who was slipping in and out of sleep, alternating between playing with his hair and rubbing soothing circles on his back, his arms, whatever body part he could touch all the while speaking reassuring words, calling him Sunshine over and over again, and regularly kissing the top of his head.

The chimera didn’t sleep that night. The next morning, when Liam woke up in Theo’s arms, he had stayed silent until the older boy couldn’t stand it anymore and asked him if he was okay.

“I don’t know.” Was the only response he got. But before Theo could suggest maybe trying to get some food Liam opened his mouth again. “Did my eyes change?” The chimera couldn’t bring himself to say the word so he nodded, barely moving his head, scared of what it would imply, of the change it would bring. Theo figured Liam would try to be in denial as long as possible, but the beta surprised him once again. “I need to see.”

There was no way Theo would ever let Liam do that alone, so he stood up, extending his hand to the beta who grabbed it, and guided him toward the bathroom once more. Together they stood in front of the mirror, hands gripping tightly to the other.

“It will be okay. Just whenever you’re ready.” Liam took a deep breath, closed his eyes and opened them again, staring now into an electric blue, the one that glowed instead of the gold he was used to.

Theo had expected Liam to panic, react, to do something, but the other boy stayed calm. What surprised Theo the most though was that when Liam opened his eyes the beta only smelled of sadness, distress and pain. But not guilt. He never smelled guilt on Liam, not over that night, not once, not even right after it happened and blood was still dripping from his claws. That’s what broke Theo the most. He twisted his Sunshine to the point that he wouldn’t even feel guilt over murdering someone innocent, like his eyes stated.

Theo let his own eyes glow gold, a color he stole, a color he didn’t deserve.

“I would trade our eyes if I could.” It was true, if he could he would happily take the electric blue he deserved and give his golden eyes back to his Sunshine. The color they should be hadn’t it been for Theo. The words left his lips before he could stop them, this was too much, crossing the boundaries they had silently set for themselves, but Liam didn’t seem to mind, in fact his lips seemed to move up a bit in the smallest sad smile while his eyes watered, filling themselves with tears.

Once the shock of the events of the night had passed, it was time for Liam to start asking questions, and for Theo to talk about his past. He wasn’t proud of it, but it was part of him and Liam always had known who he was. What he had done. Just not the full extend of it. He had to tell the tale of how, when he had been 12 years old, he had helped the Dread Doctors, luring Matt to them so they could experiment on him, turning him into a chimera part wendigo, part werewolf, then releasing him back to his life, observing what would happen as part of the experiment. Matt had ended up killing his whole family accidentally and when he realized what he had done he had tried to kill himself. The Dread Doctors and Theo thought he succeed for all those years until that night. He blamed Theo for what had happened to him, for having killed his family and wanted to make him pay.

Sometimes Theo wished he could just go back to being emotionless, to hating Liam so he wouldn’t have any problem leaving him behind, so he could save the beta from himself. He wished he had been strong enough to at least stay away just enough so they wouldn’t succumb to their attraction, wouldn’t tangle themselves around each other every night. But he hadn’t and sleeping together had made their feelings for both of them that much deeper, leading them down a path they weren’t ready for.

Theo didn’t know what to do, how to fix it, all he knew was that he was watching Liam slowly going insane, breaking down over his feelings, his actions, what he did to save Theo. And it was killing the chimera to witness his Sunshine drowning in his own feelings, it was like he couldn’t do anything to help. He was destined to stand on the sidelines and watch as the beta suffered. Seeing Liam like this was worse than the ground, he wishes he could do something, anything that wasn’t just walking away. All he could do was feel the guilt. Guilt over being with Liam, causing him to care for him, to kill for him. And he would carry this guilt forever. He was the reason his eyes changed colors, the reason his Sunshine would probably be haunted by his own action for the rest of his life.

Before that night Theo knew, he could never leave Liam behind. Now he knew more than ever it was the only way to save the beta from his influence and keep him from ruining his life more than he already had. But the same problem remained, he couldn’t leave, he wasn’t strong enough. He knew the only way he would ever leave was if Liam asked him to. And so he prayed in every deity he didn’t believe in that the beta would be stronger than him and do what was necessary for his own good.

The only thing that seemed to make sense, to help him through this crisis, to make him believe that one day he could be strong was music. The chimera listened on song upon song, hoping that one would finally trigger his departure. But instead he found the one song that represented his problem perfectly, one song that cemented his believe that he would never be able to leave, not until Liam asked.

 

_I wish that I could hate you_

_I wish that I could start by cutting you out_

_Cause when I look in your eyes_

_I know I'm watching you drown_

_I wish that I could save you_

_I wish that I could start by cutting you out_

_Cause when I look in your eyes_

_I know deep inside that holding you up_

_Holding you up is breaking me down_

Liam always had been stronger than Theo. He had hoped for that moment and dreaded it more than anything else because it meant the end of his happiness. The end of the only good thing he ever had. It still hurt like hell, the moment his Sunshine asked him to leave. And it wasn’t just as if Liam had asked him to leave no. The beta had just sent him the link to a song. And when Theo listened to it, his heart broke and ached for his Sunshine. He knew how much he was struggling, he just never knew it had been that bad. The message was loud and clear: please leave because it’s killing me, but I can’t even say the word because it terrifies me. And for once Theo found it in him to be strong enough when it mattered the most. All he ever wanted was for Liam to be happy. That’s how much he loved his Sunshine. Theo Raeken was willing to sacrifice his own happiness for another person. That’s how he ended up leaving the next day, without a goodbye. What would have been the point? The only person to say goodbye to was the one asking him to leave and he couldn’t risk Liam’s strength wavering and having him asking him to stay because Theo knew if he asked he would never be able to go. It was taking him all his strength and willpower to leave Liam behind. If the beta uttered “stay” or any words encompassing this he wouldn’t be able to get in his truck and drive away. It didn’t matter that he would kill for one last touch, one last kiss, one last look. One last chance to call him Sunshine.

He couldn’t leave the beta unprotected though. That’s why he sent him a text saying he would always answer if the beta needed any help with a threat. The meaning implied hadn’t been lost on the beta. If he ever needed a threat to be taken care of all he had to do was call. Theo would always answer. Would always be there to do what’s necessary so his Sunshine wouldn’t have more blood on his hands than he already had.

When he got to the “You are now leaving Beacon Hills” sign, he glanced at his phone, couldn’t help himself from hoping that Liam would ask him to stay. But his message inbox was empty. This time he didn’t turn around.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading I hope you enjoyed!  
> Part 3 is well on its way to being done and should be posted in two weeks or so.


End file.
